Clean air is Woke agree Sunak & Starmer

Occupying the same 3 millimetres of political ground, both leaders threw their support behind choking to death. Starmer is rumoured to have said: 'There's nothing wrong with turning blue, god knows I have.'

Fears of a backlash against any attempt to limit London's pollution, mean that both major parties now back the return of gas masks and black bogies. They believe voters would rather hold their breath than inhale lefty oxygen. And that dry rasping coughs are part of the Dunkirk spirit.

A government spokesperson remarked: 'Fresh air is for communists and deviants. A true Brit wants stale farts in a lift. They want a burning esophagus, streaming eyes and the taste of freedom - which is similar to the taste of 5-star leaded petrol. If God had wanted us to smell fresh air, he'd have given us all our own private helicopters.'

UK to drill for oil in Hell

A government spokesperson said: 'We believe there are big gas reserves - mainly sulfur. Yes, there is a substantial risk of unleashing Satan's horde, but that's a small price to pay for not having wind turbines cluttering the landscape.'

Greenpeace was not as complimentary about opening up Dante's Inferno, they said: 'Play Oil Industry games, win Oil Industry prizes. In other words, in the true spirit of f$ck around meets find out, the UK will become a portal to Hell. Which is not a metaphor for Brexit.'

Nevertheless, drilling will start in earnest, with a direct tunnel between Lucifer and Downing Street, reopening the original link used by Margaret Thatcher. A contractor explained: 'We hope to pump thousands of barrels of black liquid, 10% oil, 90% the congealed souls of Tory ministers.'

Amy has lost 10lbs on the high fibre diet!