Sex Ed. rebranded as the ‘Prevent Agenda’

Preventing ‘you know what’ is set become compulsory in all England's schools, with all acts of radical sexualisation reported to MI5. Teachers will be required to be on the lookout for the tell-tale signs of hairy palms, hot flushes and any fan fiction involving Zooey Deschanel.

Explained one M15 operative: ‘Our job is to disrupt sexual threats to the UK, which may involve extreme measures – such as cold waterboarding.’ There are three strands to government‘s counter-pregnancy strategy – no kissing on a first date, no hemlines above the ankle and no cheap cider. Instead, schools will be expected to promote British values – specifically those of Sister Wendy.

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Mortgage holders urged to drink 150 pints of beer per day to break even

Disappointing children’s action figure Rishi Sunak has urged homeowners to work harder on their drinking in order to overcome rising mortgages.

‘Look, I realise most people are paying an extra £500 per month, and that’s apparently challenging for many of you’, he told reporters. ‘That’s why we’ve reduced the price of a pint of beer by 11p. A mere 151 pints a day is the break-even point. Obviously it would be better if you just bought the house outright, but if you will insist on using a mortgage you can now offset some or all of the additional expense with cheap beer’.

Critics have pointed out that beer duty hasn’t fallen, it’s stayed the same – in pubs – while rising 10.1% on cans and bottles from off-licences.

‘Ah’, said Sunak, ‘I’m glad you spotted that. Inflation means that a price freeze is the same as a price cut. Glad we cleared that up. I want to get people back into pubs – don’t ask me why, I assume Infosys has just bought a few thousand – so I’m making them more competitive’.

If the beer thing proves popular with voters Sunak has promised to take a look at bread and circuses.

Eskimo's computer froze because he had too many windows open

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