Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet

Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.

'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

Pound coin you dropped down the gap between the driver's seat and bulkhead is mocking you

A pound coin you dropped down the side of your car seat is openly mocking you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

It made its move at McDonald's drive-thru window last Thursday while you were counting out the cash for your order.

As you passed it over to the spotty youth, the pound made its move and leapt from your hand before disappearing down the narrow crack between the edge of your seat and the dividing bulkhead.

Despite pissing off everybody in the queue for a full three minutes as you desperately tried to retrieve it, in the end you were forced to admit defeat and reluctantly pay by card instead.

Service Technician Dave Clifford explains. ‘Modern cars are designed so that if you do drop anything between the seats, it can never be retrieved without having special tools to dismantle the whole front half of your cockpit. More often than not that's going to be a total rebuild, sometimes costing thousands.'

You remain adamant you will somehow get the pound, but Dave only cackles manically: ‘Mwuhahaha! Yeah, you try, squire. You haven't a hope. End of.'

NewsBiscuit guide to online scams

With the advent of the internet, fraudsters have increased their capacity to relieve ordinary people of their own hard earned cash. Newsbiscuit is happy to provide guidance on how to spot the more common scams.

email phishing scams

These are very common and often take the form of demands from organisations such as HMRC. No matter how authentic these scams look, ignore them. Do not click on any links, approach your local tax office or open any snail mail correspondence looking like it comes from HMRC. Unfortunately this common scam already affects many working people as company payroll departments are often targeted - check your payslip for 'deductions' which are sometimes named 'tax', sometimes 'NI', often both. For greatest security ask your payroll department to change your bank details to the Newsbiscuit current account number and we'll sort out the rest.

Romance scams

Fraudsters pretending to be public servants acting on your behalf are known to make overtures suggesting you vote for events that will directly take money out of your pocket and put it in theirs. Typically the scammers will present themselves as 'MPs' and will try to get you to vote yourself out of a trading block, using compelling scam lines like 'don't listen to experts'. You might feel these scammers are in love with you, you may think they have your best interest at heart, but trust us here at Newsbiscuit, they don't. Don't vote for anything they say, and do not vote for any person to represent you unless they are part of the Newsbiscuit Party. Because you know we love you.

Internet satire scam

The most insidious scam of all where satirists try to draw you into their web of deceit and try to extract your money and votes to make themselves rich at your expense. We don't have any hard examples of this type of scam, but be sure to sign up to Newsbiscuit.com for regular newsletters. Please leave your email address, bank account details and PIN number - just in case.