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In the last 48 hours Elon Musk has made an audacious bid to buy the toy company Lego. After his recent purchase of social media giant Twitter/X, Musk has set his sights on another cultural touchstone, this time in the shape of the Danish toy manufacturers.
Insiders claim that an initial bid of twenty million dollars was ‘just an opening gambit’, and Musk subsequently made a second bid of three hundred trillion dollars, more than the total financial output of every country on earth. Pressed by a Washington Post reporter on how he would afford to structure such a purchase Musk allegedly called the journalist a ‘pedo’ and posted a gif of himself dancing to ‘Gangnam Style’.
Musk’s long-term intentions should the purchase go through have long been known: he has a history of talking about how ‘inefficiently run’ the Lego toy company is and in a 2019 interview with the Wall Street Journal he is quoted as saying ‘I think people are tired of the status quo with Lego, they want something more, but Lego are too big and clumsy to react to the new paradigm shift. They stick to the whole ‘toy building blocks’ thing, and they aren’t adapting to the rapid changes occurring in areas like military drone technology and nuclear power. I want to drag them into the present.’
Insiders claim his first move will be to change the company name to ‘HawkingRadiation-J9788’, and to start selling the Lego instruction manuals separately. He has already drawn up plans to fire 99.999999% of staff at the company - a move which has been criticised as ‘mathematically impossible’ - and has vowed to install himself as King of Lego Land, a title which does not exist at the company and never has.
Insiders say that the King of Lego Land title is the ‘only deal breaker’ for Musk.
Other plans rumoured to have been floated by Musk include making the Lego bricks themselves less ‘confusing’ by making all bricks monochromatic and identical in shape, and gluing the bricks together so that people ‘can concentrate on appreciating the aesthetic purity’ of the playsets. When asked by a reporter whether children will enjoy playing with such Lego sets Elon Musk shook his head and furrowed his brow, as though the question itself made no sense.
image from pixabay
With the discovery of human waste in Coca Cola cans, supermarkets will be hard-pressed to come up with a cheap alternative that matches the aroma and viscosity of liquid poo. True, most children acknowledge the innate figurative ‘sh$tness’ of shop brand pop, but this literal ‘shit$ness’ has led to the strapline 'Taste the Feeling and Feel the Gastroenteritis’.
Diet Coke will now be able to guarantee zero calories, thanks to the ensuing diarrhoea and vomiting. Coke has long guarded its ‘secret’ recipe from competitors but no one knew it was a Belfast ‘jobby’. The Food Standards Agency said: ‘Nobody wants faeces in a can. Unfortunately, it turns out Coke actually is the Real Thing’.
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