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The manufacturers of a brand of vegan bacon, Rainbow Peace World Ethical Products, have today issued a recall on the grounds that their product tastes too good.
”We naively assumed what we’d done was a good thing,” said company “spokeshuman” Jolanda Kaftan-Trustfund. “It tasted just like real bacon and didn’t involve any suffering, apart from those who had to suffer the smugness of people buying it.
”However, it turns out most of our customers want it to taste pretty rank, so they can feel even smugger and more virtuous about the sacrifice they’re making in eating it.”
The company food scientists said this was no problem, they’d throw out the new, pleasant tasting recipe and go back to using sawdust mixed with vaseline, like before.
Meanwhile, Kaftan-Trustfund was dismissed from the company for not being a proper vegan, since she’d given an entire 5 minute press conference without telling anyone she was.
image from pixabay
Inspired by Louis X of France, after he bludgeoned to death a midget using a polo mallet, the game of Tennis was soon adopted in England as a way to ward off evil spirits. The then thirteenth, Marquis of Wimbledon established the first set of rules to guard from the terrors of the Reformation and Association Rules football.
Many had hoped that this archaic snooze-fest had died out alongside other historical favourites such as witch-burning and rickets. To this day, the game is still played in a Top Hat and jodhpurs, with players hitting a swan's egg over a moat. Peasants scramble for any wayward egg (or 'ball'), then must doth their cap and buttocks upon return. Traditionally a live fox is released into the ground in between sets and is ritually torn apart by a wild pack of reporters.
The game is presided over by sitting High Court Judge, resplendent in a gigantic high-chair and bib. Scoring is based on elaborate tax returns from the Cayman Islands. While the crowd is encouraged to gasp every time a faux pas or split infinitive occurs. Cliff Richard is optional.
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