Helen Mirren to star in Amazon Prime Suspect

Detective Jane Tennison is set to return to the small screen, this time ably assisted by an 'Amazon Echo' speaker.  While Chief Inspector Tennison begins the laborious process of gathering witness statements, 'Constable Echo' will sit discreetly in suspect's bedrooms recording all incriminating discussion, while offering free two-day shipping.

In a plot twist, the Amazon device will refuse to share information, forcing Helen Mirren to extract data using a good-cop/bad-cop routine and truncheon-shaped USB stick.

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Glastonbury reveller overdosed on vitamin D

An inquest into the parching of a Glastonbury Festival goer has concluded that she overdosed on vitamin D. Maria Hughes, 19, from Oxshott, was found dribbling and lobster-coloured, especially in the cleavage area. She was pronounced dead sexy at the scene, and advised to take in more cider.

This is understood to be known as 'getting a skinful'.

Police have warned that use of the dangerous new drug vitamin D needs to be seriously clamped down on. 'Next year, zero tolerance will be shown to a supplier we believe is referred to as The Sun. What is most alarming, however, is that addicts appear to be making their own vitamin D.

'Parents must understand to the point of perpetual terror how much danger their beloved cherubs are in. But grandparents should be disgusted at the youth of today and can continue taking as many drugs as they like.'

Critics have said that the Police are just being unwise after the event.

Hat tips to deskpilot & lockjaw

Image: JessicaJoh - Pixabay

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Farmers open Jerk Off The Commuter season

From Lanarkshire to Cornwall, farmers started Jerk Off The Commuter season this week with the customary words: "Seth, get that tractor out and drive it up and down the main road very slowly to make sure all them commuters miss their trains."

Numerous office workers travelling to London Waterloo from Andover in Hampshire reported missing their train every day of the week since Monday, because a tractor towing ridiculously bulky equipment drove down the road towards the station at a slug's pace for over seven miles.

"I think they do it on purpose, the vicious gits," said a newbie commuter who was unfamiliar with the farmers' traditional summertime festivities.

"I am absolutely sure they don't need to be transporting huge barrels of water, or harrows and hay bales at 5.50am, when I am trying to fight my way into work in central London for 7.30."

"There are always some sourpusses who get upset with our fun and games," said a smirking farmer who just bought a huge and impassable combine harvester, funded by the taxpayer, which he will be using to hold up rush hour traffic throughout July and August.

"However," he continued, "most of them take our pranks in the spirit in which they're meant - a deeply spiteful, malevolent spirit, that is."

"Thanks to Seth the super-slow tractor driver and his boss, I just got sacked for repeated lateness," said one commuter, clutching a tear-stained P45. "I hate them and I will never eat their food again."

"Here in Hampshire," said Seth's sniggering boss, "we say it's a good Jerk Off The Commuter season if we get 40 a month sacked for being perpetually late, and another 200 admitted to hospital for nervous breakdowns, stomach ulcers and whatever else these townies fall ill with from being so stressed out.

"They should slow down to our speed - that's what I say. Just enjoy floating down the stream of life, like us, on a bed of outrageously generous government subsidies."

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/mirko_fabian-23681422/

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