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Rishi Sunak recently stated, on TV, live, with people watching and everything, that the upcoming CPTPP trade deal (Comprehensive and Progressive Agreement for You've Stopped Reading This) was "Exciting".
Straight away, MI5 contacted the Oxford English Dictionanry and forced them to "update" the definition of the word. It now reads as follows:
exciting, adjective; something so dull you want to remove your eyes with a spoon.
The Prime Minister can now not be accused of misleading the public or untruthing or alterntive facturising or outright telling porkies. A Downing Street spokesperson stated; "He is correct, look it up, it's written right there. Don't look up the word fantastic though, we can't believe he also said that."
Websters has also updated their online dictionary definition to:
exciting, adjective: I'll type anything you want just don't hurt my face.
Following criticism of his statements surrounding the age of retirement and the need for the British public to have more children, MP Jacob Rees-Mogg will tackle the problem head on.
A spokesperson for the MP has said 'Mr Rees-Mogg will personally sire hundreds of children for the next generation of workers. He's had some snuff and he's been looking at pictures of exposed ankles all morning.'
Ada, 33 from Rees-Mogg's constituency of North East Somerset has claimed 'There isn't enough alcohol in the world.'
Rees-Mogg's favorite position is alleged to be Minister for Brexit Benefits and failing that, missionary.
The announcement has caused widespread panic. Families are urged to stay indoors until further notice. Whitehall sources claim the government is considering raising the country's terror threat level from 'substantial' to 'severe.'
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