.
top of page
Search
It's up there with the riddle of the Sphinx and James Corden's career, but scientists have uncovered the mystery behind all the 'hole thingies' on the back on your wide-curved-plasma-HDR-LED-HGV-RSVP-boil in the bag-televisual box. Rather than an assortment of audio/digital connections, it is now believed that the embedded slots are alien in origin and form an important part in our species' evolution.
Naturally man's first impulse upon discovering the various holes was to use them like an electrical glory hole; but that kind of experimentation ceased shortly after an awkward trip to A&E. Other primitives, still using Betamax, sadly worshipped the holes as rudimentary Gods, feeding them cotton buds and twiglets.
Explained one paleoanthropologist and aerial mechanic: 'We've concluded that once these intergalactic hieroglyphics are deciphered, then the human race will advance to a higher state of being; probably something with Sky Sports and genuine surround sound - not that Dolby 5.1 rubbish'.
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
A man has been unable to offer any credible explanation as to why he is carrying round a completely full gallon-sized water bottle with him at all times.
Mike McBride lugs around the ridiculously-sized, garishly coloured plastic receptacle, which weighs an absolute tonne, and from which he earnestly takes a very small glug once every 15 minutes or so, and doesn't let it from his side from the moment he wakes up till when he goes to sleep.
'Gotta keep yourself hydrated, bro, haven't you', said McBride, 25, in a slight passive-aggressive tone, to a fellow bus passenger who may or may not have been looking at it his container in a funny way, on his daily commute from home to an office in the centre of Barnsley.
'Yes, the UK benefits from a fairly temperate climate, and I'm unlikely to get parched in the short 20 minute journey into work', said McBride, defensively, pointlessly mimicking some bicep curls with his bottle.
'What's that, does my workplace have some taps?', continued McBride. 'Er...yes, I guess it does, but I haven't really thought about it to be honest, as I have a plentiful supply in my personal water butt right here on my desk.'.
'I'll make some inroads into this big boy during my 10 minute token trip to the staff gym at lunchtime, that's for sure', said McBride.
McBride is expected to have emptied his bottle sometime in 2026, unless he uses some of it to irrigate crops in a medium sized African country.
bottom of page