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King Charles has ordered that the vehicle have all the mod cons required to keep the riff raff away. The head coachman confirmed: 'The wheels will have rotating blades, there will be concealed flamethrowers and an ejector seat should the plebs get too close.'
The original gold-plated carriage was intended as a big f$ck you to all those prols who could not afford shoes but more recent coaches have had to fend off the unwashed hordes with electrified door handles. The 1.3 mile journey down The Mall now resembles a scene from Mad Max, with the monarch hurling grenades at his ravenous subjects.
'Built like a Sherman tank, it has more gadgets than OO7. We've even given it an extra springy suspension, for when the King rolls over the crowds. It'll be less like a coronation but more like a Royal Rumble.'
photo: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/
Beijing officials have been left red-faced by the discovery that their 430m-long bridge, costing $3.4m, was constructed without a screen protector. Having used iPhone glass technology, the Zhangjiajie bridge is to be closed for repairs or until the end of its 36-month contract - whichever is longer.
Chinese officials were frustrated at having recently upgraded their Nokia brick-bridge, like an iPhone the bridge was designed to withstand hammer blows and extreme weights; and like an iPhone it shatters in a stiff breeze or if a butterfly 'looks funny at it'. The bridge can accommodate 8,000 visitors a day but cannot withstand one teenage girl spamming emojis on Instagram with a manicured finger. Although technically still workable, the bridge is covered in ugly cracks and is just embarrassing to take out at parties.
The glass-bottomed bridge was heralded as the biggest transparent walk of death, since Donald Trump's march to the Whitehouse. Said one visitor: 'It's typical - the bridge was barely out of the box and then I heard this crack. I hoped it was my leg breaking, at least that could be mended.’
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