.
top of page
Search
Having phased out the redundant headphone socket, hardware designers have turned their attention to the outmoded bOdy 2.0. Removing all but the face aperture, Apple hopes that this slimmed-down version will simplify life choices - with the tag line ‘At last - every hole really is a goal’.
Apple users generally prefer a simpler interface and dislike having to customize sexual positions. Virtual assistant Siri will advise the user on when to alternate between ‘eating, shitting and shagging’; or will trigger all three simultaneously if engaged in German pornography. Having the ear and reproductive organ combined will have a negative impact on your sex life but what there is of it will sound great.
Taking the bold decision to ditch the traditional multi-socket anatomy, Apple say the new face will come with face recognition - except in the case of elderly relatives. Food will be decanted and faeces expelled from the same fissure, so no change for Boris Johnson. It still lacks the facility for external storage, so most decomposing food will be stored in the bOwel or aRse cAvity. Said one Apple developer: ‘The only hole we won’t be removing in the one in our tax returns’.
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
NewsBiscuit is proud to announce it's still happy to take money off perfect strangers - as long as they are prepared to order and read our second anthology from Amazon - in eBook, paperback and hardback format.
Hint: there's a hyperlink to Amazon hidden on the image - only the smartest, funniest people can find it.
Uncle Quentin was seen in Smuggler’s Cove, without a mask,’ exclaimed Julian.
‘What a frightful bore,’ said George. ‘Doesn’t he know that Timmy has an undying medical condition? He keeps eating poisoned food’.
They said it couldn’t be done. A new NewsBiscuit annual. Or maybe it was ‘shouldn’t’. That’s right, it shouldn’t be done. In fact, there was a petition. Maybe a march or two? Now that I think about it, there was a Court Order. People chaining themselves to railings. The threat of a military coup.
But we said to hell with them. We were going to publish. Regardless of the suffering and derisory sales. If we could get Brexit done, how hard would it be to write a NewsBiscuit book?
BTW how’s the Brexit thing going?
From the same team that brought you 'Fifteen Years of Typos' comes an extensive anthology of twelve months of fake news from the UKs original fake news site, Newsbiscuit. Over 800 carefully curated comedy fake news articles and more than 700 one-line news gags all together in one volume written by some of the funniest and most creative comedy writers known to work for free.
Articles drawn from September 2020 until August 2021, approximately mirroring events in the real world, include:
Bloke in pub to join Cabinet
NATO to tut and shake their heads at Russia
Second wave of press conferences to hit the UK
National Fiasco Memorial built in the wrong place
Coronavirus will be with us for between two years and forever, say scientists
Biden selects Kamala Harris to be his running-mate and carer
Government finally admits it has 'no idea' why we have daylight saving time
and hundreds more
bottom of page