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One so-called election expert admitted: ‘With the Leave campaign defying the odds and James Corden still in employment, it has become apparent that we are entering a new age of uncertainty and sphincter-tightening. All unlikely things will come to pass, with Ladbrokes no longer taking bets on the existence of life on Mars or reliable Wi-Fi. We can no longer reliably predict the future...I predict.’
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By 2035 half the world will be over-weight, and the rest of us becoming chubby chasers. Explained one scientist: 'With the majority of fatties being in the northern hemisphere, our planet is listing heavily, with much of the Pacific Ocean pouring into space.
'There is a real danger of us spinning into the sun. And only the obese of Florida are stopping the Earth from spiralling out of control.
'It's too late to get people to diet, so we're going to need New Zealand to become a counter-weight, by gorging on doughnuts. Some have suggested our only chance of survival is going to Mars, but I suspect we'd just eat it.'
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