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The West Midlands has been placed on high alert in preparation for the anticipated explosion of a middle-aged woman from Walsall, which it is feared may cause serious damage to the surrounding area.
High pressure began to build inside 45-year-old Laura Boyle during the early hours of this morning, when she was kept awake for hours by her husband’s deliberate snoring. Laura’s inner tension increased substantially when she got up and went to make a cup of coffee, and discovered someone had drunk all the milk and put the empty carton back in the fridge.
Pressure rose even further when Laura was unable to charge her laptop for work because her husband had hidden the charger. She was then subjected to more stress in the bathroom, as someone had left an empty toilet roll on the holder, and she was unexpectedly scalded in the shower when her daughter flushed the downstairs loo.
After sitting on a slice of toast and jam her son had left on a chair, then falling over a pair of his trainers on the stairs, Laura reached boiling point. She was barely able to contain herself when her mother rang a few minutes later to deliver a long and pointless monologue, which resulted in Laura being late leaving for work.
It is feared that following a difficult journey beset with road works and @rseholes who should learn how to drive, Laura will finally explode when she gets to work and discovers that Big Brenda has called in sick again, doubling Laura’s workload. Fallout from the blast is expected to be significant, covering most of the West Midlands.
We tried to contact Laura’s husband for comment, but were unable to reach him. He is apparently totally oblivious of his wife’s dangerous condition, as he’s busy listening to a football podcast with his headphones on.
Image: Gylfi | Pixabay
Having agreed magnanimously to allow Jeremy Corbyn to stand in the leadership election for which he is already the leader, Labour’s Executive (NEC) have ruled that all new members must pay £25 for the privilege of voting; alongside a pint of blood, a medieval tithe and a mooring fee for any yachts. In remembrance of their working-class roots, the NEC has also declared that all polling booths will now be ‘black tie only’.
Cynics would suggest that this is an attempt to gerrymander elections and disenfranchise the unemployed, destitute or anyone who has recently bought shares in BHS. One Blairite explained: ‘It’s not about keeping the riffraff out, it’s merely a way of filtering out the ne'er do wells or socialists as you call them. For goodness sake, £25 is less than a good bottle of Moet.’
An NEC executive defended the unscheduled and secret change to voting rights: ‘It’s still perfectly straight forward to vote. Any new members just need to gather five unicorn tears in a leprechaun’s shoe.’
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