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You can't put a price on mutually assured destruction



Theresa May was delighted to announce to The Commons, that she had secured the obliteration of 'all life as we know it' at the bargain price of £31bn. She insisted that renewing the Trident missile defence system was the cheapest way to destroy humanity - other than appointing Boris Johnson to the Foreign Office.


Impishly she suggested that with Brexit just around the corner, thermo-nuclear war might be the least of our worries. Those suffering from austerity would be doubly appreciative of this irradiated solution. Boasted a MOD spokeswoman: 'It was an absolute bargain! The nice US salesman assured me it was a once in a lifetime deal. He said - everything must go - literally!'



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Cough medicines feared to contain spoon full of sugar



Certain cough syrups have sparked a safety concern, after an out of work nanny was caught lacing it with psychedelic chemicals. Using a spoon full of sugar to mask the taste, the hallucinating children have attested to flying and chasing animated foxes.


Allergic reactions were originally blamed on pholcodine, but evidence now points towards the chemical compound of supercalifragilistic. Sadly, it is not the first time Poppins has attempted to drug people, with many of her wards complaining of visions of dancing penguins and mockney chimney sweeps.


An unapologetic Poppins said she had no regrets about spiking the cough medicine, as it done in the most delightful way.




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