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After spending several hours in close proximity to Boris Johnson all members of Wednesday’s hearing are now expecting. In what is considered to be a routine procedure, made compulsory after recent 'work events', members of the privileges committee took pregnancy tests. All came back positive.
One member, a staunch supporter of the minister for Uxbridge and South Ruislip, explained: “I always liked Boris, but during his testimony I suddenly began to despise him and wanted to eat coal. That’s when I knew he’d knocked me up good and proper, again!”
A male member added: “I didn’t realise I had a womb, never mind it ovulating, until Boris filled me with his second coming. Although, hand on heart, I may have misremembered his first, it was on a Bullingdon initiation night.”
A close female member, said: “I felt nothing, until the Big Dog gripped the bible like it was my naked hips, and a spad called Gabriel uttered unto my AirPod; that I would bear the umpteenth child of the pork lord."
The event is being hailed as the Immaculate Misconception, meaning Boris will be judged to be free from sin, but that’s not how Nadine will see it!”
'He's a mean, renegade cop who bends the rules to get the job done... coming soon to a Cooking Channel near you because the world is already overflowing with so many, yet another movie with exactly the same one-dimensional character and cliché-packed plot as in every other cop movie. We know what you want, and we're serving up exactly the same recipe again...'
You've seen the film trailers, maybe twenty today alone. You've watched more of these movies than any other specific genre. But you know better than to replicate the onscreen violence in your everyday life. Bored bobbies with a penchant for brutality, however, sometimes lack the same restraint as adults.
'It's just too appealing,' said Brendan "Cuffmonkey" Banstead. 'This stuff is on screen 24/7, so you can't avoid it. Even when you're s'posed to be paying attention to what some whining victim is banging on about, it's just so distracting. I don't want to listen to that rubbish. Yaaaawn. I want to get out there and crack the skulls of innocent environmentalists, or scream right in the face of one of those women sorts in the department.'
Chief Inspector of Bent Fuzz, Andy Envelope said, 'Some of these policemen put the "Cop" in "Copycat Violence". They watch Dirty Harry, and they think it's a training video. We have to do something about it quicker than you can stuff a truncheon up a perp's bunghole.'
As a result of this systemic behaviour, cop movies will now carry certificate ratings to protect vulnerable police officers. "U" stands for Unwatchable; "PG" stands for Pervert Guidance; and "18" refers to the minimum number of complaints against an officer before they can watch it.
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