top of page
Search
An enthusiastic but unrealistic work colleague who claims that he is going to be 'all over' a task that needs completing this afternoon, is in reality only going to give it a slightly increased bit of his attention for a few minutes, it has been disappointingly revealed.
'Those excel spreadsheets with the monthly figures on - I'm totally all over those after lunch, you guys' , announced Mike McBride, reassuringly, before opening up the latest episode of The Gold on iplayer on his laptop.
‘And that presentation we’ve got to finish today pitching for a new client – I’m completely all over that, in a way you wouldn’t believe’, promised McBride, before sneaking off for an hour-long dump scrolling absent-mindedly through Facebook on his phone.
Other assertions made by McBride should be reduced by a factor of 10 to give a more reasonable indication of his attitude towards them, work colleagues have indicated.
‘Mike’s claim that he is giving 110% to a task generally means that he is sitting at his desk in sleep mode’, revealed a workmate.
‘And when he says ‘mate, I'm simply not having that', to absolutely everything, from hearing an Ed Sheeran song to a request to do the sandwich run on a Friday, it just means he has a very slight dislike of the thing in question’, continued the workmate.
‘Frustratingly, I can also reveal that his repeated reassurance that 'I've got this', generally means the exact opposite.’
Scientist now believe that the Ice Age beasts died of thirst due to a combination of Pleistocene pretzels and cheap margaritas. The last of the mammoths is thought to have died 4,000 years ago, having stubbornly refused to ask for someone to pass a chilled can of Dr. Pepper.
The woolly mammoths would devour sacks of popcorn while watching their favourite movie - the ironically titled 'Ice Age' – but would then forget that bottle tops are not trunk-friendly. One scientist explained: 'For creatures with a good memory they seemed to forget that covering everything in soy sauce is bad idea.’
The fate of mammoths remains a warning to other species - don't wear furs in the summer, currant buns are still high in sodium and if you weigh 6 tonnes, avoid spicy food.
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |
bottom of page