Brexit inspired by porcine aviation

A minister explained: ‘Brexit will be sorted on a rapid timetable of animal flight, hens developing teeth or when hell freezes over - whichever comes sooner. The PM is committed to a tight schedule ranging from mid-2017, to sometime in the future when mankind leaves its mortal flesh behind and ascends into inter-galactic consciousness. Let me assure you, like a French military expedition, we are committed to a hasty withdrawal. And the PM has appointed her swiftness negotiator - Boris Johnson astride glacier.’

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Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

UK Gambling Commission punts £19.2m fine on 15:30 at Huntingdon

Already a record fine, this stands to increase by 15/2 if Stroll On By comes in. Payers William Hill, were surprisingly enthusiastic to fast track a new account opened by the Gambling Commission CEO.

The official response from the Gambling Commission CEO is “It’s a dead cert this one, this is so much fun, won’t be stopping at this current time”.

A William Hill representative says they will get round to checking this new account at some point, probably later this afternoon.

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Police ask Stormy Daniels if she still has the baby handcuffs she used on Trump

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