‘Remember us?’ says the Taliban

Like a blast from the past, or at least the detonation of a car bomb, the world’s favourite long haired rockers have returned, with their tour ‘Back in black’. Their manager promised: ‘Naturally we’ll be playing some of our golden oldies; we’ll be taking it right back, right back to the Middle Ages. It’s going to be a hectic tour - we’ll be human trafficking, oppressing women and playing Glastonbury’s John Peel Stage. The Taliban will put the fun back into fundamentalism and ritually beheading Miley Cyrus the first chance we get’.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/photos/musician-guitar-song-rock-jazz-1658887

Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens

The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help them survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.

An RSPB spokesperson said: ‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’

There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.

You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.

Bill Oddie refused to comment.

www.newsbiscuit.com

image from pixabay

'Behind closed portcullises' - Megxit Netflix XXX for Royals

Meghan and Harry’s new Netflix documentary ‘Behind closed Portcullises’ aims to smash the Palace back doors in and spill the caviar. An additional 'get to f*ck' was thrown in for good measure, personally aimed at Wills and Kate, with the release date timed with the Cambridge’s ‘landmark US tour.’

The tour, which America has deemed ‘totally unnecessary,’ will see the future King and Queen carted around America on a golden chariot, led by 12 white ponies and fanned by 55 slaves walking alongside, barefoot.

The total cost is believed to be £5 trillion which will be funded by the taxpayer, as well as specially selected children’s charities close to the Cambridge’s heart.

The stakes are high for the Royals. A royal insider said: 'It’s long been known that there are racist vampires residing at Buckingham Palace. Not Prince Philip, he was racist but not a vampire. Meghan and Harry have bought a series of very tall stakes, which they are currently sharpening and plan to use to purge the Palace of this evil once and for all.'

Image: Tumisu | Pixabay