Sepp Blatter bribes Santa to get off the naughty list

A lawyer representing the ex-FIFA chief said: 'We refute utterly the claims that my client has not entered into the spirit of giving and receiving. He loves receiving. Arguably, when it came to bribes Mr. Blatter was always willing to share with the other boys and girls. Now, if Santa is willing to look the other way, I'm sure we can arrange for a glass of sherry and a mince pie to be left in a Swiss bank account of his choice. We can also arrange for Greenland to host the next World Cup, irrespective of its inclement weather conditions'.

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Teenager with acne wins BBC's SPOTTY award

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Emergency NHS planning in chaos after the army decide to camouflage ambulances

The injured, dead and dying were forced to take taxis and e-scooters to hospital A & E units today after thousands of ambulances went missing.

Army personnel were due to replace the usual good-for-nothing NHS striking shirkers, but after jumping into the vehicles, they’ve not been seen since.

Brigadier Sir Marmaduke “Squiffy” Squiffers, the head of the army, has admitted that his chaps have “rather gone over the top with this jolly.” Twiddling his impressive handlebar moustache he added: “Intelligence has intercepted coded messages confirming that our chaps assumed Putin had invaded. That’s why they took immediate tactical measures to safeguard the ambulance fleet. Never fear; they are out there somewhere.”

Reports suggest that several ambulances have been spotted in the North Libyan desert. The SAS is alleged to have hijacked dozens of vehicles and installed machine guns on the roof for safe operation behind enemy picket lines.

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