top of page
Search
Writer's picturestewartbarclay
Nov 1, 2022

300,000 new homes for Tory voters



Michael Gove, aka Mickey G, has promised that the Tories will build 300,000 affordable new homes in the UK, but forgot to specify that they will only be affordable to Tory voters. Additionally, these new builds will not go where they are needed but will instead be built in marginal constituencies up and down the country.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Liz Truss was supposed to phone us with all the details about this, but we've had to kybosh that for a number of reasons that keeps on growing. Instead, Suella Braverman is emailing through a confidential list, via her personal gmail for some reason. Maybe she fancied another week off work.'



image from pixabay

Writer's pictureMidfield Diamond
Nov 1, 2022

Booing of ‘Big Six’ Premier League Clubs to be banned




The Football Association and the Premier League have announced that booing and other expressions of disapproval of the so-called Big Six teams will no longer be tolerated. The announcement follows disgraceful scenes at the Little Old Brighton versus Massive Massive Chelsea match where the home fans booed and jeered and showed no respect towards their esteemed opponents.


‘Brighton need to recognise that Chelsea have a very rich owner who, despite a complete lack of knowledge or love of our game, is entitled to take whatever he wants because he is very rich,’ explained an FA spokesychophant. ‘In particular, we were appalled to receive reports of Brighton fans hurling accusations of asset-stripping at Chelsea, just because they took Brighton’s player of the season in the transfer window followed by their former manager, assistant manager, first team coach, assistant first team coach, goalkeeping coach, assistant head of recruitment, Mavis the tea lady and the training ground kitchen sink a few weeks ago.’


In addition to a clampdown on booing, Premier League Clubs outside the Big Six could face fines if their fans sing, ‘You can stick your f***ing money up your a**e’. More severe punishments such as points deductions could apply to the use of wit and sarcasm such as taunting Chelsea with ‘You’re just a sh*t Brighton and Hove Albion’, or asking the Chelsea fans ‘Would you like to buy a song?’.


‘We are especially concerned about the reputation of our football product as we approach the World Cup in the extremely rich country of Qatar,’ continued the FA spokesychophant. ‘Our extremely rich hosts are extremely rich and therefore should not have to hear abusive chanting. On the other hand, I think they would have appreciated the Chelsea fans’ homophobic chant, ‘He left cos you’re gay.’’



image from pixabay

bottom of page