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US border wall undermined by man-sized mole


Mexico has refused to apologise, saying the fifty-foot-high mound of earth near the wall’s perimeter was nothing to do with them. Given the size of the tunnel, this ‘mole-man’ is estimated to be nine-foot in length and threatens to wreak havoc at local golf courses before becoming Marvel Comics ‘lamest franchise’.


A border control spokesperson said: ‘Anyone who has seen the impact radioactive waste on ninja turtles, will accept the possibility of an anthropomorphic mole. We have several methods for tackling this monster – we’ll be keeping an eye out for further grass movement, trying to thwack him over the head with a two-tonne shovel and failing that, building the biggest mouse trap you’ve ever seen.


‘It’s also possible that this creature may have had help – the public should be vigilant for a large rat, a huge badger and toad dressed as a washer woman’.




IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/photos/nature-animal-mole-rodent-mammal-13298

‘It’s all a conspiracy to get you to pay more for us’ says bird flu denying turkey



A whistleblowing turkey has accused greedy poultry farmers of peddling fake news about the bird flu epidemic in order to dupe the British public into panic buying their product for quadruple its value.


“They pull the same trick every year” said the turkey, who did not wish to be identified. “Last year they got everyone’s wattles in a wobble with all that rubbish about ‘supply chain problems’, which as we all know, turned out to be a load of utter b*llocks. And what excuse are they using this year to scam you out of all your money? Low and behold, it’s that good old chestnut bird flu!


“Besides knowing we’re going to end our days with sage and onion stuffed up our arses, me and my mates feel absolutely fine,” the turkey continued. “But there they go, ominously telling people that if you don’t all rush out and pre-order us for a premium price, we’re all suddenly going to drop dead from a mysterious disease 3 days before we’re due to be slaughtered, which will render us inedible and ruin Christmas for the entire nation.


“You know the real reason they’re locking us all up don’t you?” the anonymous turkey concluded. “It isn’t to keep us safe. It’s to keep us quiet. They’ve even threatened to make twizzlers from our toenails if we squawk.”


The British Poultry Council was unavailable for comment.


image from pixabay






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