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Man struggling to prove fitness for watching World Cup from his sofa




A man is facing a desperate race against the clock to prove his fitness to watch the Qatar World Cup from his own living room and local pub, it has emerged.



With the start of the tournament just 3 weeks away, Mike McBride, 42, is in a battle against time to develop a basic understanding of the footballing credentials of some of the lesser-known African teams. He is also yet to finalise his starting-11 stock phrases about the poor human rights record of the host nation.



‘It’s crept up on me this one’, admitted McBride. ‘Usually, by now, I’d be on version 12.1 of my spreadsheet of times for all matches, cross-referenced against work and home commitments’.


‘But I woke up in a cold sweat in bed at 2 this morning and couldn’t even remember whether it was Group E or F that is the Group of Death. And is Qatar 4 hours ahead or behind us?’


McBride’s World Cup form has been a cause for concern amongst his mates, following a number of below par observations about the tournament in recent weeks.


‘Last Thursday I had to limp out of our Thursday boys’ night out in disgrace after I said it would be great to watch Erling Haaland on the biggest stage’, said McBride. ‘Turns out Norway haven’t even qualified. It’s embarrassing.’



‘My daughter asked me just yesterday when we were getting a Panini Sticker album’ said McBride. ‘I hadn’t even thought about that…what kind of a man am I’.


‘He might be able to fall back on some tired anecdotes in the big matches without breaking stride from drinking his cans of Stella sat on his Laz-E-Boy chair’, said McBride’s wife with a note of caution. ‘Form is temporary, class is permanent and all that.’


‘But will he be able to raise his game to offer any meaningful insights into South Korea versus Ghana at 1pm on a wet Tuesday in late November? Only time will tell’


7 money saving tips from financial guru, Martin Clueless




During this cost-of-living crisis, many are struggling to make ends meet. Here are some hints to help you to save a few pounds:


1. Clear out your food cupboard - you’re bound to find several items you’d forgotten about. Ignore ‘best before’ dates – that’s just a ruse thought up by food manufacturers to get you to waste money. If you find any Pot Noodles or Toast Toppers chuck them in the bin, even if they’re not out of date. Don’t donate them to a food bank – those people have suffered enough.


2. Defrost your freezer, and liberate all those stray peas and bits of carrot that have been embedded in the ice for years. Combine them will all the loose grains of rice from the back of the food cupboard to make a delicious risotto.


3. Don’t throw away that mouldy Cheddar from the back of the fridge - eat it, and pretend it’s Stilton. You won’t notice the taste if you wash it down with that bottle of ouzo you bought back from Greece 20 years ago.


4. Whenever you feel cold, run up and down the stairs 50 times, as fast as you can. You’ll soon be all hot and sweaty, so you won’t need to put the heating on.


5. If you are reckless enough to turn the heating on, take a tip from your Nan – don’t heat the whole house, just heat the living room to 40°C, while the rest of the house is below freezing. The blast of cold air whenever you leave the living room may come as a shock, but the sudden change in temperature will really get your circulation going. You’ll get all the same health benefits as those nutters who go ice swimming, without having to get wet.


6. Scrape the black mould from the bathroom ceiling, and spread it on a cracker. Eat it and pretend it’s Beluga caviar, like what posh people eat. It probably tastes the same.


7. Insects are a good source of protein. If you have a teenage son, there are bound to be loads of dead flies on his bedroom windowsill, which will make a nutritious snack. Try not to wonder why there are so many dead flies in there, or where the horrible smell is coming from. And definitely don’t look under the bed.



Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered by readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.

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