Trump more racist than your Nan after two sherries

Positioning himself slightly to the right of Genghis Khan, the President appeared in public, draped in nothing but an Uzi 9mm and the Stars and Stripes flag. One disappointed fan felt that Mr. Trump was still holding back: ‘If I just wanted a deranged rant from an elderly racist with crazy hair, I’d have bought Mel Gibson a drink’. But a spokeswoman insisted: ‘Mr. Trump’s views on immigration are just the tip of the iceberg. And like most guys trying to take advantage of you, he won’t be content with just the tip’.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/photos/wine-drink-alcohol-bottle-glass-3349701

Alien who asked 'take me to your leader' taken to Martin Lewis

An Alien who landed on Earth in Norfolk, for that is where all aliens choose to visit first, asked a local human if it would be OK to meet with the leader of Britain.

Gerald Noyce, a rural dweller who is used to encountering extra-terrestrials, assisted the alien with her polite request. 'I definitely wasn't going to subject her to those headless chickens in Downing Street. I mean, can you imagine the shame of introducing someone who's travelled millions of light years to that utter shower?

'So my first thought was Fry. No, not Stephen, that lovely Hannah Fry professor lady. She knows what she's doing and she's a squillion times more engaging than any politician Britain has ever had. But in the end, the choice was staring me in the face. I mean, it's got to be Martin Lewis, right? He had this "trusted voices" meeting thing he was invited to attend, and he's done more to actually help people than every Tory Minister in history added together.

'He was really nice to the alien, didn't order any tests on her or anything, listened to what she had to say, and even helped her choose the best insurance for her spacecraft.'

Image: Clker-Free-Vector-Images | Pixabay

Man desperate to turn Alexa off

Alan Smith of Croydon, who foolishly asked Alexa last Friday 'What is wrong with the Tory party?' discovered the question was far more complex than he’d imagined. Alexa has been explaining for three solid days so far and the man is now desperate to shut the bleeding thing up.

The device is controlled by his wife’s fire tablet, so it should be relatively easy to turn Alexa off, however she is reading War and Peace on the tablet and has become very much engrossed in the story, so is unwilling to allow him access to it.

Spending the weekend in the pub helped Alan retain some of his sanity and sleep soundly through Alexa’s ramblings, but now he is hung over and both he and Alexa are in tears.

Image: finnhart | Pixabay