Jeremy Corbyn enters Labour race in an alternate Universe

Science fiction and socialism fans alike, have been delighted to discover that in a hypothetical self-contained reality there exists an actual left-wing candidate. In this parallel universe there is compassion, collective responsibility and where we are ruled by a race of four-foot high, furry, purple bipeds all named ‘Michael Foot’.

Obviously in the real world no such left-winger could survive on an oxygen-rich planet, where water and Daily Mail bile cover 70% of the Earth’s surface. However, scientists have speculated that if such an alternate Universe existed, then the ‘Corbyn-effect’ would generate enough hope to be seen twinkling in a nearby galaxies. As opposed to a Black Hole, which sucks surrounding life into a dwindling vortex of despair – much like Ed Miliband.

One Labour member explained: ‘I’ve tried to explain to my children that it’s like the tooth fairy, an equitable tax system or a 70’s light entertainer who can keep their hands to themselves. A lovely idea. But with no scientific evidence to support it or people to vote for it’.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/photos/galaxy-star-infinity-cosmos-dark-3608029

Shapps plans to build wind turbines in space

In an astonishing reveal, Business Secretary Grant Shapps has declared that the UK will build, assemble and, if necessary, operate wind turbines in space.

'Everyone knows it isn't feasible to construct wind turbines on land,' a spokesman for Mr Shapps said today, 'which is why they have been assembled on floating factories in the North Sea for the last decade.' He went on to say the floating factories had caused the designs to swell and they were now too big even for floating construction sites, hence the plan to build and operate them in space.

'Mr Shapps is looking for investors in this fantastic opportunity. Just £500 buys you a chance to sell this opportunity to maybe 500 other investors,' said a Mr Michael Green who claimed he had just bought in to the scheme and deemed it 'wonderful'.

Image: rauschenberger | Pixabay"

Christmas decorations up before Dec 1st? You are a psycho.

A new report by psychologist and leading author Dr Iam Normal finds the earlier in November you 'deck the halls' the more likely you are to be a cold-blooded psychopath.

'Looking at the festive Richter scale, we can see that people who put their Christmas trees up in the last two weeks of November are more likely to have narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies,' says Dr Normal. 'Whereas those who get their baubles out any time from 1st December onwards are in fact completely normal.'

'We used to think these people were just a bit zany, but this report confirms it's more sinister than just Santa excitement,' says Dr Normal. 'Rather distressingly we did find a handful of people that put their Christmas decorations up in the first week of November. These people were complete nut-jobs. If you know anyone that does this, the clinical advice is to give them a wide berth and preferably ex-communicate them from your network.'

Author: clare

Image: Pixabay - Jill Wellington