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Royal Navy investigates inappropriate seamen



Several female submariners claim they have been subjected to sexual harassment from male crew members.


In response to reports of unwelcome raised periscopes, Admiral Sir Roger M. Goode said, “I am shocked to hear that some male officers seem to be obsessed by sex. I didn’t think the crew of a Royal Navy submarine could sink to such depths. A report like this does come as a blow job – sorry, I mean come as a blow to the Navy’s reputation.

“Submarines can be submerged for 69 months – sorry, 6 to 9 months at a time, and most vessels are not large in thighs – I mean size, so male and female officers do have to work very closely together. Colleagues can rub one another up the wrong way. Male crew members are sometimes throbbing – I mean thoughtless. Sexual tensions are bound to give head – I mean are bound to come to a head. I would like to reassure the women affected that I will conduct a thorough investigation, to make sure I am big breasts – I mean make sure I am abreast of all the facts. I will tiny waist – I mean I will waste no time in getting to the shapely bottom of it. I will personally ensure that the female officers involved will be strictly disciplined – sorry, I mean the male officers involved will be disciplined…

“I say, a pretty little filly like you shouldn’t be working as a journalist, you should be a glamour model. Why don’t we go into my office, and I’ll show you my telescope. I’ll give you a tenner, if you’ll polish it for me…”




UK wins Greece in poker game with the EU


A rather quizzical British Prime Minister left the Brussels summit, arm in arm with an equally confused Greek PM. Having promised to leave the talks with an improved deal for the UK, a sheepish PM left, now the proud owner of a bankrupt Greek economy, seven cans of old paint and a four pack of AA batteries ‘with two missing’.

Some cynics have suggested that the EU has used the situation to unload a lot of unwanted ‘tat’ on an unsuspecting UK. But the Prime Minister looked ebullient waving a wire coat hanger and an old bathmat overhead. Clutching a bin-liner filled with expired medicines and indiscriminate power cables, the PM declared the discussions a great success.


His spokesman agreed: ‘These treaty concessions and old greeting cards left by the Belgium Finance Minister, are the spoils of victory. This Betamax cassette is a tribute to the Prime Minister’s negotiating skills. Let no man sneer at these…what are they? Oh, yes – these, lovely, used makeup-sponges - that he has won’.

Addressing onlookers, the PM assured them that he had struck a good deal: ‘I hold in my hand, four magic beans. I believe these to be peas in our time.’






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