Only the threat of prison can keep me honest, claims PM

A spokesman stated: ‘By manifesto promise we mean manifesto guideline. By pledge, we mean guestimate. And by not raising tuition fees, we mean ‘screw the students, they can’t even be bothered to vote’.’

Ironically the electorate’s fear that the main parties might renege on their promises, is matched by their fear that UKIP might keep theirs. Meanwhile an economic adviser commented: ‘Any last-minute electoral gimmick should not be seen as a last-minute gimmick, but admittedly, we are hoping that it will have the impact of a last-minute gimmick’.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/photos/barbed-wire-chain-link-fence-prison-960248

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IMF 'bunch of bellends' or 'absolutely brilliant' depending if we need to borrow money

This week, the government is focusing its mixed messaging and contradictory positions on the International Monetary Fund.

'How dare they criticise our incompetence', said someone doing a terrible impression of a Chancellor. 'Yes, the pound has collapsed and the country's heading for a slump, but they shouldn't point that out. Having said that, we really love the way they loan money to countries that have destroyed their own economies. Not that we've done that, and if we did it's definitely Gordon Brown's fault.'

Woman who keeps forgetting her email password has had to rename her cat 5 times

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