Relief that the Queen died of old age and not a falling anvil as first thought

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Poundland devalued

Due to the collapse of Sterling, the bargain store has been forced to rebrand as 'Tuppence Zone'. A spokesperson confirmed: 'One Poundland is currently trading for a single Walmart carrier bag.'

Investors in Poundland have found their liquidity drop to the point where they may need to shop at Poundland. Sadly all in-store items are now worth considerably more than a pound, leaving their sole product range as penny sweets, now valued at 99p each.

Traditionally the pound had a pound for pound ratio, but now it is only measured in ounces - renamed the Sub-atomic Pound, given its relative size. The Treasury said: 'If we had a pound for every time the pound was devalued... in fact, that might be the problem.'

The Borrowers face eviction if interest rates skyrocket

A family of tiny four-inch-high people who live below a clock could lose it if interest rates go through the roof.

With tears in his eyes, Mr Pod Clock, who had just returned from a trip exploring the garden, explained the tragic circumstances.

‘We’ve been happily borrowing for years,’ he said. ‘That’s how we got the old, detached clock to live under a few years ago. I never thought for one minute that the interest rates would shoot up overnight because some brain-dead human bean in Downing Street doesn’t know how to use a calculator. It’s the perfect storm. Thanks to Brexit, exports of my boot buttons have tailed right off, and I can’t seem to get a second job scaling curtains with a hairpin to help pay the mortgage.'

Pod’s wife Homily, a tiny person and tiny housewife, agreed with him. ‘At this rate we’re not going to be able to keep up with our borrowing and we're all worried in case Arrietty starts self harming again.

A spokesman for the Ratcatcher Building Society said they were sympathetic with the family’s plight. However, it was better for all concerned if the small people were crushed underfoot once and for all.