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Today we’re with Sally Preston, a psychic with a drink problem who has been helping Her Majesty’s Government set economic policy by conversing with the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.
Sally gives me an appraising look. 'You’ve lost somebody close to you. Is the letter H significant?'
'No', I say, then immediately feel guilty as she seems so vulnerable, swigging away from her bottle of Jacob’s Creek chardonnay. 'Oh, I used to have a hat'.
'That’ll be it', she tells me, before slumping back into her chair, seemingly half asleep.
'Are you here about the economy?'
'Yes', I lie. Sometimes an investigative journalist has to push the boundaries.
Sally takes another drink from her bottle and her eyelids flutter manically. 'Margaret is in the room. She’s saying something about National Insurance'.
'Does she want it to go up? Down?'
'Down!' she says, suddenly leaning forward and fixing me with a terrifying glare. 'And fracking. Ronald has told her it’s for the best. Frack the whole country'.
'Is Reagan there too?' I ask.
'Of course. They’re an item now'.
'What about interest rates?'
'That’s enough for today. I’m tired'. Sally hauls herself upright and scans around for the door. I’m tempted to ask about ghost sex but force myself to stick with economics.
'We need to know. Should they go up? How do we avoid recession?'
Sally is already halfway to the door, staggering a little. 'Privatise something. The NHS. Privatise the NHS. Oh, and she says the Oxford comma is an abomination. Get rid of it'.
And she’s gone. Britain’s leading economic adviser has left the room leaving only a faint aroma of chardonnay and piss, and I realise what the H was all about. Horseshit.
Children can now expect to wake with significant surgical scarring in the abdominal area, problems filtering urine and a pound coin under their pillow ‘for their troubles’. The Union of Tooth Fairies confirmed that all gossamer-winged withdrawals will now focus on harvesting undamaged organs, but admitted that the liver of anyone over the age of 10 was probably damaged beyond repair, by an excess of Jägerbombs. A spokeswoman said: ’Manky milk teeth are no good to us. Their street value in terms of buying crystal meth from Goblins, is virtually nil. Whereas kidneys still fetch a high price on Ebay’.
Representatives of Santa Claus have also admitted that they will be phasing out the ‘naughty vs nice’ present criteria. One Elf admitted: ‘Essentially they’re all little sh@ts. So we’re adopting a financial scale. If your parents are rich, you’ll get a better standard of present. Simple. And let’s be honest, that’s how the system has been running for years’. Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Easter Bunny confirmed that he would extend his services to offer sleeping children haircuts, pedicures and ‘the occasional bris’.
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