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Mum of three teenage girls, Mandy Middlemarsh woke up this morning dreading the cost of England women's team winning the European football championships on Sunday night.
Speaking exclusively to Newsbiscuit, Mandy explained that whilst she is all in favour of her daughters having role models it costs a bloody fortune everytime a new sport is flavour of the month.
"First up is was Elle Simmons which wasn't too bad seeing as none of my girls can swim anyway so they didn't really want to follow in her footsteps. Plus all those early morning would have killed our Chelsea as she really loves her bed. And it wasn't too bad when that Fallon Sharrock won a few darts games against the men as all I had to do was mark out a line 6 ft down the hall way and let the girls throw darts at the kitchen door. Not that that fad lasted long"
"Then things started to get expensive. When Victoria Pendleton and Laura Kenny started smashing it in the velodrome, well of course they all wanted state of the art bikes that are all now rusting in the shed. Then there was the women rowers a few years back at the Olympics, well I don't think they realise just how difficult it is to store three canoes in a 6th floor flat or get them on the roofrack of a Nissan Micra to transport them to the local canal."
"And that Emma Raducanu, don't even mention her. Just winning seven matches cost me an arm and a leg with her carbon graphite racket and different shoes depending on whether she's playing on grass, hard court or clay. And none of my girls got a contract with Dior out of it I can tell you."
"Last year it was Skye Browne and skateboarding and I lost count of the number of trips we made to A&E for innumerable bumps, bruises and breaks. Now it's all about the female Lions and the cost of a different home and away kit every two seasons."
"And as if that wasn't bad enough then that Chloe Kelly had to go and put her foot in it by whipping off her shirt and suddenly all three of mine are demanding fancy sports bras and I just know even though she is only 12, my Shirley is gonna have massive tits so that's gonna be expensive isn't it. Unless they sell them in the middle aisle at Lidl."
With all the commitment to withdrawal of a Catholic priest or a boomerang, one trooper said this was not goodbye merely au revoir. Thus, the union flag was lowered at Camp Bastion and ceremoniously packed away, until it is required to be raised again at Camp Bastion by the next US President.
One field commander gave a moving speech: ‘Today we are proud to announce another successful military campaign in Asia, like…um…like…er…you know…the other one, with spears. I can confidently say, mission accomplished…if by mission, you mean mess. We have well and truly messed up this region. A mess that future generations will work hard to resolve, until we invade again’.
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