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With the urgency of a giant tortoise, Swiss prosecutors have noticed that there may be some ‘minor irregularities’ in their banks; including no locks on the doors, single digit pin numbers and a solid gold Toblerone ‘in the shape of Adolf Hitler’.


One banker commented: ‘We’ve had to put up with a lot of false criticism over the years. Don’t be put off by my fake moustache, monopoly money and this bag that says ‘swag’. Swiss banking is a beacon of ethical behaviour – just like Robert Maxwell’. One elderly Argentinian, with a pronounced German accent, was full of nothing but praise: ‘The Swiss give me flexible 24-hour banking and are happy to take deposits in the form of gold teeth.’







'We were go for launch, then an announcement came over the intercom,' complained a senior NASA manager. 'Some BS about not enough staff to drive the rocket. I tried to over-ride the instruction because there wasn't supposed to be any staff on-board, just dummies - which Avanti insist on calling stewards. Then they claimed the contactless machine wasn't operating correctly so snacks and drinks couldn't be purchased. Eventually they said a bus replacement service would be in operation and asked everyone to be patient.


'The good news is we're entitled to make a claim on their website. Apparently we're good to claim $54 billion plus a free bacon roll next time we travel with them.'


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