U2 to offer a free iPhone with every album

In a futile attempt to boost sales and keep Adam Clayton in hair dye, the Irish rock band have been forced to entice listeners with offers of three year’s interest free credit and 10% off at M&S. Their manager confirmed: ‘It’s not cheap to keep The Edge in woolly bobble hats. And there’s only so much tax evasion we can get away with. So, the lads will be appearing at motorway near you, armed with squeegees, offering a CD with every windscreen wiped. And if you don’t fancy that, for every song downloaded, we promise to delete two’.

https://pixabay.com/photos/laptop-mobile-phone-table-phone-5987093

'Big Dog Big Eats' cookbook launched by Tory party

Jacob Rees-Mogg today announces that he has teamed up with fellow Tory progeny Nigella Lawson to launch a cookbook aimed at helping the UK population through the cost of living crisis.

“Big Dog Big Eats : Cooking on a Stirrip leather” aims to give the voting public the tools to make the most of the store cupboard items to make delicious meals.

Tory politicians past and present have submitted recipes to thrill and get the taste buds salivating. These include:

• Gove’s foie gras and sourdough blinis

• Priti’s pomodorro pasta with phoenix steak

• Ben Wallace’s wagyu burgers with white truffle jus

• Coffey’s Kopi Luwak coffee and truffle cake

• Cameron’s braised pig’s lips and trotter stew

• Osborne’s coke and sherbet surprise

• Malthouse’s caviar and single malt

• Shappanade - Grant Shapps take on the classic tapenade

'These are the essentials that everyone needs their maids, cooks and help, to know how to make, using just a few simple ingredients that everybody should have in their pantries,' said Rees-Mogg at the book launch.

Boris promises to tackle infellation

.