A Scottish prehistoric fish - microbrachius dicki - was the first creature to have intercourse, but the final act of human copulation will be sometime on a Friday night, up against a wheelie bin in Dumfries.
One anonymous Scot admitted: ‘It’s a great source of national embarrassment.
No one likes doing it, but it’s the only way to keep warm during the winter months and keep the ginger gene in circulation. And if I had an 8cm Micro Dicki I’d be too ashamed to use it.’
After years of adverts tempting children to "Join The Professionals", the ASA is dismayed to find videos circulating on the Interweb, showing a fat b*stard who was sacked from every job he ever had for unprofessional behaviour, wearing an army uniform on manoeuvres and making out he could fly a fighter jet.
"It's a disgrace that the advertising community promoted the notion that the military only have professionals, when clearly the military will accept any oiks", said chairman Fred Scoggins, ASA and bar.
The military has responded saying "An unfortunate admin error occurred after an assistant who it appears had met him at Oxford and thought there was a chance of getting her own back if she could fast track his application and turn him into cannon fodder. The admin error occurred when her supervisor never checked beyond seeing that the fat bastard had attended Eton, and imagined he must be quality material.
image from pixabay
