£10 notes 'cheapest source of fuel'

A comparative study of energy sources by the Federation Researching Economic Zero-net Energy (FREEZE) has found that the cheapest source of fuel for most homes is £10 notes.

'It was not that much of a surprise,' explained Professor Ron Jenkins of Clacton University. 'I suspected it might be the case when my car's insurance went up two bands after filling it with petrol. All the same, the cost per kilowatt from the new government approved money burning stove represent quite a saving.'

Jacob Rees-Mogg, fresh from his triumph of Britain being able to buy non-existent vacuum cleaners, echoed Professor Jenkins.

'I recommend that poor people stockpile a few thousand £10 notes to keep them warm in the winter; I have.'

Boss quibbles over maternity leave, but not your abortion

Pro-choicers in the United States have found an unusual ally, in corporations who normally think the Gender Pay Gap is a clothing chain. Said one cynical CEO: 'Yes, we'll be making a saving on maternity cover but... nope, that's it really. There's probably some ethical thingy as well, but it's really about those margins.

'We're 100% behind a woman's right to choose. As long as they choose long hours, no pensions and low pay.' Asked if they would be increasing their contributions to employee health insurance, the CEO coughed: 'Who are we to deny someone the right to death.'

Beat the traffic