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Boris Johnson has confirmed that the Freedom Bus Pass in London will be used to solve the housing crisis in Britain overnight.
'Introduced by me when I was London Mayor, along with gold-paved streets and £350 million a week rebates from the EU, the Freedom Bus Pass has already provided millions of over-60s in London with a warm and comfortable way to pass their remaining years', trumpeted Johnson. 'This has allowed people like Elsie, who I had the pleasure of hearing about this morning, to avoid the indignity and embarrassment of freezing to death in their own homes due to huge energy price hikes which I won't do anything about.
'But now, I'm going a step further. All those that have been priced out of being a homeowner in the London housing market will now be entitled to a Freedom Bus Pass too, allowing them to make that first important step onto the property ladder....or at least a step on to the Number 186 bus (off peak only).
'From tomorrow, millions will be able to make their housing dreams a reality, as they unpack their worldly possessions on a urine-stained bus back seat whilst their own personal driver takes them around their new 'clockwise North Circular' route...er, sorry, I mean home... before returning to depot for his statutory 20 minute rest break'
Johnson is expected to announce further details of significant investment in new housing stock - thought to include 35 Routemaster style double decker buses, along with a few of the longer single storey bendy buses for those who prefer bungalow style accommodation.
Johnson himself is expected to try out the new bus-homes himself, to try and hide from any further car-crash interviews.
Former groupies, internet trolls and serving members of the armed forces all paid their respect for the loss of melodies, the death of legible tattoos and remembered just how many ears had paid ‘the ultimate sacrifice’. Teenagers will throw underwear at a series of memorial statues dedicated to simplistic chord structure. As one military historian explained: ‘To put things into perspective - 12,000 allied servicemen died so Europeans can grow up without the threat of German Thrash Metal’.
The teen band’s assault on mainland Europe back in 2010 was codenamed Operation ‘Make a quick buck before one of us starts looking fat’. A spokesman for the Queen said: ‘It is important that we take this time to reflect upon the smell of Harry Styles, the kissableness of Harry Styles and the manner in which Mr. Styles will become the father of my child. A solitary bugle is scheduled to play a short tribute to the hits of One Direction, which will be an extended rasping noise – not dissimilar to blowing through the arse of a mallard duck …Oh and seventy years ago, some sort of allied invasion, blah blah blah’.
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