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Speaking to a room of packed journalists and morticians, the Grim Reaper outlined his strategic plan to reduce waiting lists with a scythe-based clog-popping initiative. Faced with unprecedented A&E queues and dwindling resources, Health officials welcomed this offer from the private sector and advised all adults over 30 not to make ‘any long-term plans’.
The subsequent crack down, on ‘mortal coil dependency’ across the UK, will free NHS staff for valuable photo opportunities during the general election. One Tory minister commented: ‘We just need a return to Victorian principles, when commoners had the good grace to feed the worms rather than overstay their welcome’.
Emergency calls will now be transferred to an overseas call centre, staffed by cloaked skeletal figures playing chess. A spokesman for Death said: ‘There’s a fine line between ill and dead. Financially we’d like people to err on the side of the later. At some point we all have to pay the Reaper, particularly if we can’t fund the NHS’.
A Tipton man has shocked his family with his sudden eco-warrior stance on mowing the lawn. Gary Jackson, 35, explained to family and friends at their Bank Holiday barbecue that he was going to "rewild" his garden in order to help save the environment. Brother in law, Dennis Reynolds, told our reporter, 'He started to pontificate about how dandelions are the perfect flower for pollinators, such as bees and that, and by cutting the grass and destroying them, we are killing bees and thus are no better than Hitler, Idi Amin, or Barry from Number 28, who tarmaced over his lawn when he bought that caravan just before lockdown.' His wife, Susan, said, 'He's even started going on about joining the Green Party but he's not fooling anyone. He's a lazy arse and needs to have a word with himself before I pack a bag and go back to my mother's again.'
photo: https://pixabay.com/users/andreas160578-2383079/
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