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The Prime-minister has announced a revamp of what was previously known as the 7 deadly sins with gluttony and lust being removed "as soon as practical, certainly before Carrie finds out".
Mr Rees-Mogg, appearing blinking and ruffled after months of searching for Brexit benefits, appeared to explain the religious connotations. "The 7 deadly sins were thought up by some EU country and it's about time we got rid of some long obsolete so called 'sins' that left-wing clerics go on about."
With lust and gluttony already numbered, sloth and pride - described by Mr Johnson as "good, Conservative values" are thought to be next, although the introduction of "not taking one for the prime-minister" as a new sin is being considered.
Despite prominent ministers being implicated, it turns out your own creepy MP is ‘nonce-free’. Being the only person in Westminster capable of passing a CRB/DBS check, your MP is now cleared to babysit your teenagers, breastfeed your infants and deliver parcels down your chimney.
Said one concerned voter: ‘He’s been fiddling with the curriculum for years, I just assumed he was also fiddling with the kiddies. The thought that he’s destroying our education system without being a pervert, beggars belief!’
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