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Writer's pictureapepper
May 13, 2022

Lee Anderson's guide to solving the cost of living crisis



Conservative MP, Lee Anderson has offered some helpful advice for people who through, fault entirely of their own, find themselves a little short of the old readies:


1) Ask Pop for an advance. That's what I usually do, touch the old feller for a few K to tide me over. Of course, at some point that will stop working.


2) Tip waiters less. If you think about it, tips are simply money down the drain. In normal times, of course, I'd tip 2% like anyone else, make that 1% and it will add up.


3) Get cook to give you some lessons. If you learnt to cook, then you'll find you can halve the cost of buying Kobe beef and Maine lobster at a restaurant.


4) Claim food and drink as 'business expense' - if you're working, why should you pay for the snacks? I've recommended to the prime-minister that he claims all the booze he consumed at Downing Street parties as a legitimate business expense; I'm sure the public would support him.


5) Live in a warmer climate during the winter. I save a fortune in fuel bills by living in our 'cottage' in the Riviera, not everyone may have spotted that opportunity.


6) Sell your farm produce to yourself and claim it back against tax. This is a real wheeze; we all own a farm, big or small, but if you sell, say, 1lb of sprouts for £500,000 to yourself then claim that as a taxable expense, you'll end up with the government paying you to eat sprouts - which seems fair enough.


7) Keep your eyes open for alternatives to Fortnums. Obviously, you can't get everything from your farm and when you do go shopping, tell the chauffeur to keep an eye out for establishments called things like 'Lidl' or, even, 'Aldi'. You can send someone in and surprise yourself at how much you save.


8) Sell one of your houses to a Cayman Island shell company and lease it back to yourself. I know, I know, surely everyone's done this? But there's always someone! Check with your accountant next visiting time.


9) Attend board meetings around lunchtime. We all have to attend tiresome meetings - apparently that was in the small print of the £100k consultancy 'work' I've signed up for. However, insist that the monthly meeting starts around 11:30 - then an hour later, someone will say; 'Is it time for lunch?' and you can quickly say - 'Thanks; I don't mind if I do.' Yum!


10) Divorce a rich person. It might seem obvious that the best way to solve your money worries is to marry a rich person. Well, don't be so sure. Even better, is to marry a rich person, spend like crazy, then divorce them - you'll make a fortune in the settlement.

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