World’s largest gunrunner oddly concerned that we might not buy their guns

By a strange coincidence, suggested cutbacks to NATO spending have prompted a shrill response from the military–industrial complex. US diplomats are so aghast at reduced defence budgets, that the collective tightening of their sphincter muscles was mistaken for a Lockheed YF-12 taking off from an anus.

In response, the US Ambassador immediately flew to Brussels with free copies of ‘Gun’n’Ammo Monthly’ and a 2-for-1 voucher on nuclear deterrents. A Pentagon spokesman confirmed: ‘In this era of terrorism, it’s important that we are armed with the most high-tech weapons. God knows, the terrorists are. Mainly because we sold it to them.’

With an annual defence spend of over $1 trillion, the US might easily be accused of having a vested interest in the pursuit of war. However, one diplomat explained: ‘Liking guns doesn’t mean you like war. If you like porn, do you like sex? Bad example. Well, what about restaurants and food? Still no good? Hey, I like sport, but I don’t like the NFL. Whadaya mean American football isn’t a sport?!?’

Fukushima fish deal a boost for HAZMAT kitchenwear industry

Photo: HAZMAT kitchenwear modelled by Janine and her friend also called Janine

Boris Johnson's relaxation of the ban on fish and vegetables from Fukushima has been welcomed by a major manufacturer of radiation protection equipment, saying it was worth every penny the company donated to the Tory party.

In addition, the relaxation is timely as it coincides with a range of unisex high-fashion HAZMAT garments and lead kitchen aprons designed by Emma Bridgewater due to be launched at London Fashion Week in June.

British cooker manufacturers are also excited by the prospect, hoping it will boost sales and thereby bring down the cost of their range of biohazard cooking products, previous sales of which have only been affordable by oligarchs who dine on genuine Russian food supplied by Putin Enterprises Inc.

The cookers, reminiscent of chemical fume cupboards, offer the benefit of preventing cooking smells from permeating the home. Olga Smirnoff, an oligarch's wife told us that her biohazard cooker has been brilliant, even when her husband fancies a curry. 'I've asked if it can be adapted to accommodate a bed for him to sleep in on the days he has one,' she confirmed.

NewsBiscuit invited two chefs to try Fukushima fish and both agreed it was 'rank', but still preferable to what they are forced to cook with when providing meals for the schools and hospitals they work for.

Ready Brek is preparing a legal contest on the sale of Fukushima fish, in the event it actually makes children glow and contravenes the intellectual property inherent in its advertising.

Tory MP gives cooking lesson