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Taking inspiration from the shifting ethics of the British banking sector, President Putin has agreed to withdraw troops from the border provided he can deposit seized Ukrainian assets into a Swiss Bank account. In exchange for a cessation of violence, Vladimir Putin will be given a life peerage, an offshore account and a place on the board of HSBC.
Worryingly Russian expansion has been on the rise ever since they forcibly relocated Crimea to the Cayman Islands. HMRC has offered to broker a peace deal; a spokesperson said: ‘Technically it’s not an invasion, it’s a leverage buyout – which will also involve annexing Poland as a charitable trust’.
A government spokesman for Priti Patel said today that the Home Secretary had been concerned about the numbers of undocumented immigrants that appear to have arrived from Gallifrey in recent years.
'Look, we're aware of fourteen immigrants in the last half century so far and all claiming to be doctors, yet not one stepped up when covid struck,' he said. He denied that the latest appearing to be black was an issue, stating it was the lack of Visas that concerned the department most, citing frustration at the people smugglers using warped time and space machines to bring them in. 'We don't know how safe these machines are. Judging by the amount of immigrants they bring, they're clearly bigger than they look.'
For some unexplained reason, Nadine Dorries is expected to make an announcement on the topic.
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