Eradicate the main cause of childhood illiteracy – eradicate children ‏

An education spokesperson said: ‘We’re not going to euthanasia the grammatically challenged kiddie-winks, that would be cruel and time consuming. We are just going to reclassify them as stupid adults.

‘No more small people saying ‘I’m bored’, ‘it’s not fair’ or monopolizing all the jelly. Re-branding illiterate children as simply ‘diminutive idiots’, is an important step in tackling under-achievement in schools; with the next logical step – close all the schools

‘We’re going to break the literacy ceiling. Which means we’ll probably need the ceiling lowered. Or longer arms. We’re not just moving the goal posts. We’re sh$tting in the away team’s dressing room. Childhood literacy will be a thing of the past…as soon as we redefine what history is’.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/photos/boys-kids-children-happy-sitting-286245/

Moominpappa tools up as Finland joins NATO

As Finland prepares to join NATO, all the residents of Moominvalley are arming themselves to the teeth.

Quizzed about their state of readiness should the Red Army invade, Moominspokesman said, ‘We're like a snowy Viet Cong. Moominpappa now wears an ammo belt of grenades and is an expert with shoulder launched RPGs. Moomintroll, Snork Maiden and Snufkin can all assemble and disassemble an AK47 while blindfolded. Moominmamma’s handbag is full of knives and throwing stars. She can silently dispatch an entire platoon, whilst whispering 'The horror, the horror' like Brando.’

Moominspokesman continued, ‘It is imperative we preserve our Finnish values like heavy metal, Nokia 3210s and racing drivers. If those Russians try anything we'll send them to Hell's inky depths.'

Marvel announces new superhero: Gobble De Gook (by BlightyTimes.com)

Dear Reader, as part of a friendly exchange of satirical pieces, this article is courtesy of the news parody website BlightyTimes.com . The article we provided in return can be found on the Blighty Times front page here:

https://blightytimes.com/2022/05/13/double-keir-starmer-on-the-loose/

Marvel announces new superhero: Gobble De Gook

By Frederick Colbey

Marvel, the comicbook and entertainment company known for superheroes and teams such as Black Widow, Shang Chi, the Avengers, and Thanos, has announced a brand new superhero to their lineup: Gobble De Gook.

Superhero is fast becoming one of the most popular movie genres, with millions watching superhero films every year. There has even been a rise in superhero TV shows, such as WandaVision.

Marvel's newest superhero, "Gobble De Gook", has the power to make villains talk in gibberish.

Why did Marvel creators decide to make "Gobble De Gook"?

Despite their popularity, Marvel seems to be running out of ideas. Marvel decided to create a character that many people could relate to, seeing him in themselves or other people.

Most of us know someone who constantly talks in gibberish. So having a superhero who causes people to talk like that will resonate with audiences.

Many supervillains are after one thing: the opportunity to make a big, evil speech. Gobble De Gook will foil their plans by depriving them of this opportunity.

About Gobble De Gook

According to Marvel writer Stuart Smith, Gobble De Gook was born with his powers.

His mother was an unknown superhero who could allow anyone to speak her language. And his father was Boris Johnson.

He found out he had this ability at 13 years old when he stopped a bank robbery. The robber could not demand any money, as everything that came out of his mouth sounded like nonsense.

When will Marvel debut Gobble De Gook?

This first comicbook to feature Gobble De Gook will come out next week. But, within the next few months, he will transfer from the comicbook pages to his own Netflix show.

In the show, he is set to be played by Tom Cruise, who helped with the script.

According to the show's writers, when they needed lines for villains during scenes where Gobble De Gook was using his powers against them, they would ask Cruise to tell them about his religion.

Image from Pixabay