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It has been announced that two new wholly independent regulatory bodies are to be established, in the public interest. The Office of Hospitality, Enjoyment and Alcoholic Drinks (OffHead) will have a broad remit and terms of reference. It will have responsbility for both quality - no rubbish plonk at official gatherings - and value for money, e.g. are extra discounts available from selected retailers for bulk purchasing of 3 suitcases or more.
OffHead will have a partner authority whose surprise appointment as Chief is Michael Gove. With a similar public exposure, this Regulator of Tonics, Intemperance, Thrills and Stimulants (OffTits) will be in good hands. And noses. It will focus on solid results, as opposed to the liquid assets of OffHead.
A spokesman for No.10 Downing Street commented, "The Prime Minister is well aware of public disquiet regarding the recent Sue Gray report, and the appalling behaviour by junior staff who should have known better. The creation of these two authorities will ensure that in future everyone understands what is required for the good of the Party. And a good Party will mean we are all subject to OffHeads and OffTits checks throughout. Now, please, I think what people wish us to do is move on from this. Yeah, move on. I'm gonna move, move on down the line. Wanna get some love, a love that's truly fine. Oh I'm gonna show you a-way so hot, I'm gonna get what you ain't got ... <deep sniff> I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"
It's being reported by Downing Street, that although the PM and the Chancellor had previously disagreed about a windfall tax on energy companies they are both now nearly on the same page.
Unfortunately, during their disagreement, the page got shredded. A team of forensic civil servants have been tasked with reassembling the pieces, hopefully in the correct order and it is hoped that by the time the work is completed, the nation will be able to afford to eat again and pay their bills.
When asked how long this would take, one of the civil servants told us "It's a laborious and painstaking job re-assembling shredded paper. Before we can get started on re-assembling the page, we have to pick out the pieces from all the other stuff in the shredder. It wouldn't have been so bad if the PM hadn't asked the Metropolitan police to hand the Partygate evidence over to him, now they've finished their inquiry."
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