One shocked house owner said: ‘I couldn’t understand it. My radiators started giving off heat. The TV became brightly coloured and started to emit a range of bewildering noises. It was almost as if someone had flicked a switch somewhere.’ A spokesman for British Gas Residential, assured the public: ‘…that normal service would resume – with good old fashioned doorstep intimidation, confidence tricks and our core value of scaring your Gran into handing over her credit card details’.
Like a jilted lover in an 80s movie, LinkedIn has been standing outside the house of its ex, boom box above its head, begging her to come back after sending over 300 notification emails in a week.
Lapsed LinkedIn-er Rachel Rutherford said 'I did use LinkedIn when I was looking for a new job – 4 years ago. I don’t care if I’ve appeared in 10 searches this week or if a recruitment consultant I once met doubled his sales funnel by implementing a new business model inspired by white water rafting.'
A spokesbusinessperson for LinkedIn said ‘Wish social media could feel more like work? Update your profile and imply to your boss he can soon shove his job up his arse. 300 notifications per week is definitely not insecure or clingy.’ The spokesbusinessperson hugged a binder, then pointed at a graph.
1) Memorize your lines, particularly in court.
2) Do your own makeup – especially the bruises.
3) Get a good agent but a get an even better lawyer.
4) Switch emotions faster than an emoji with whiplash.
5) And carry an onion. Not for crying. But to eat and then shit it out on your boyfriend's bed.
