A spokesman for the Brazilian Government said: ''We've never been that into football. Seriously - it's not a thing that gets us excited. Whereas the epilation of pubic hair, that's a thing of beauty. We will be opting out of the 2016 Olympic Games and focusing on the removal of unhygienic crotch hair. It can't be more embarrassing than a 1-7 score line.'
Science still has no explanation for what happened on the toilet earlier. A breezy fart wafted out, but it is an unfathomable mystery as to why it was surprisingly cold. Anything emanating from the body is supposed to be warm, unless recent consumption of curry has taken place, in which case hot could be a descriptor. And also ringystingy.
But cold? Never cold. Surely? There is strong evidence to suggest one is not dead inside. And all other farts in other circumstances have been in the warm to upper warm range historically. Today is reasonably mild, so it can't be that. One thing is for certain, not a soul is to learn of this because, well, that could be highly embarrassing.
A devious computer hacker has set up an account called VoteOfNoConfidence@1922_Committee.co.uk which looks all genuine and everything. Known in hackerworld as a 'spoof', Conservative politicians have been duped into submitting their votes of no confidence in Prime Minister Boris Johnson to this email address.
'Tories are notoriously lazy,' said the unnamed hacker. 'They just can't be arsed to do anything for anyone else, never mind follow the official submission process of delivering a printed letter on officially headed paper by hand to the Chairman of the 1922 Committee on bended knee with bowed head while revealing a nipple and tickling his exposed testicle.'
'What I have done is create a method which is so simple and easy to do that even self-absorbed right-wing MPs might actually get around to it, rather than staving off doing anything by insisting they need to wait for the results of Sue Gray's next urine test.
'The account only required 54 votes of no confidence, but there were already over 300 in there this morning. The best bit is that Boris Johnson has been constantly badgering the Chairman about the numbers; they are both certain it's only 2 and there's nothing to worry about, but Johnson is spaff up the wall when I reveal the true amount.'
