In between horrendous pain and blood loss, many interlaced men take a quiet moment to reflect on how much less painful Brexit is. One gentlemen, while drifting in and out of unconsciousness, remarked: 'While focusing on these jagged, unforgiving metal fangs, somehow EU fishery policies don't seem quite as urgent as they once did.'
A spokesperson announced: ‘Olivia’s monopoly of every decent acting role, has resulted in a shortage of bronze alloy statuettes. The UK’s actresses have been forced to politely applaud her, so many times, their fixed grins have become permanent. In the end, it’s easier just to call the award the ‘Olivia’ Awards, as opposed to ‘Olivier’ - and it’ll save on the engraving costs’.
Some Highland Games events due to start next month face cancellation due to the prospect of competitors crossing and uncrossing their legs while wearing kilts. This provocative activity is now considered by a Scottish so-called newspaper to be an attempt to distract Games officials from making good judgements, even though the public think that the lecherous old fools are incapable of that anyway.
According to the tabloid rag, among the events under threat are vigorous dance competitions such as Highland Flings and Sword Dances which can lead to tantalising glimpses of thighs. Even the Hammer Throw can lead to the kilt flying up in an alluring way, causing judges to make terrible decisions and face abuse from the public as a result.
‘Despite the proud heritage of the Highland Games, we need to recognise what the kilt has become when worn during our more revealing events’ explained reporter Kenny McSween. ‘Revealing a bit of leg while wearing a kilt is now a weapon of mass distraction.’
However, almost everyone associated with the Highland Games is appalled at Mr McSween’s ill-judged, offensive stance, calling him a complete Caber Tosser.
