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George Osborne’s vacuous noggin has managed replicate the precise terminus of life as we know it. By following through to the logical conclusion of Coalition’s economic policy, the Chancellor is able to accurately predict the ensuing violence, social unrest and Zombie apocalypse to come.


So empty is Mr. Osborne’s cranium, that it absorbs all light, hope and evidence of tax evasion. It is said, it has all the atmosphere of a Miranda Hart studio audience. Remarked one scientist: ‘While nature abhors a vacuum, I’m pretty sure she also has a strong dislike for George'.







Rather than mirror Scottish laws, the Labour Party supports chastising children using a Hollywood A-lister, a flick of the wrist and a heart felt apology via their agent. The compromise of outsourcing the smacking, means parents can keep a clear conscience and Mr Smith can keep in work - now the movies have dried up.


The Shadow Health Secretary insisted that getting spanked by Will Smith had never done him any harm and was worth every penny: 'As long as it doesn't leave a mark or lead to anyone losing an Oscar'.





The Archbishop of Canterbury has, allegedly, told friends he intends to smite Boris Johnson with a lightning bolt from God after Boris said that he was pro-Putin. Welby was overheard comparing his plans to 'that bit in Star Wars where the Emperor shoots lightning from his fingers - only more so'.


After denying that Boris was the kid from the Omen all grown up, a Tory flunky responded 'Look at Welby's funny hat - he must be up to something. We're not scared of his God lightning threats though, because there is no God. What kind of God would allow Boris to be PM? Actually, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour Rupert Murdoch?'





IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/photos/thunderstorm-ocean-lightning-3440450/

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