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Rats put in transfer request at Man Utd

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Adjusting his life-jacket, a rat said: ‘Nobody panic. We’re tactically withdrawing – in the same way Man Utd have from most cup competitions. Some have accused us of exiting faster than Ted Kennedy leaving the scene of a car accident, but we adhere to the maritime tradition of managers and rats first.


‘You’re much less likely to sink with less of us on board. Which is why we are asking all referees to start future matches with seven short whistle blasts followed by one long one. Stay calm, wait for rescue – or Ryan Giggs’.




The Queen to be replaced by Alan Bennett


The Government have unveiled plans to slowly decommission Elizabeth II. Existing members of the Royal Family will be re-homed; while the elderly Elizabeth will towed to a Glaswegian dockyard, dissembled and sold off for scrap to a Middle-Eastern conglomerate. She will then step back from her hectic schedule of posing topless for stamps and touring in as a Freddie Mercury tribute band.


Initially, Mr. Bennett had refused the role, due to his allergy for swan meat. However, the much-loved playwright was instead provided with a sticky bun and a nice cup of tea. His Britannic Majesty, Alan the First, said he hoped the UK could become a fairer society, with better TV Drama and ‘comfier slippers’.





Twitter launches bid to buy Elon Musk



The owners of online pub car park, Twitter, have taken a break from egging on fights between punters to launch a whip round to buy celebrity entrepreneur Elon Musk, to add to their collection of freakshow exhibits.


Twitter's Board of Directors announced yesterday that they had raised $132bn from the tips jar and the condom machine in the gents, which should be enough to buy most of his body and remaining hair, but leaving out his genitals, nostrils and brain 'for obvious reasons'. They say this amounts to 'a controlling 71% stake in Mr Musk', although whether they intend to place an actual stake in him has not yet been confirmed.


Meanwhile, Mr Musk is believed to be launching a counter-bid for Twitter. This leaves open the possibility that Twitter and Musk might takeover each other. Experts fear the resulting critical mass of bullshit could lead to an explosion polluting the entire planet with micro particles of fake news, aka tweets. But hope remains, as it seems that Mr Musk thinks he can pay for Twitter in the only thing less stable than his personality: bitcoin.


Image from Pixabay by Tumisu

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