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Bush & Blair sex tape to be leaked


Mr Blair, appearing in a basque and suspenders, admitted to misleading the UN and killing thousands, but denied making any such tape. This is despite, grainy night-vision footage showing two men blundering around in the Middle East, dressed in fetish combat gear.


Sir John Chilcot interrupted his inquiry, to spend time with an aging gym sock. A spokesperson said: ‘Yes, one of the men adopts a coquettish yet supplicant poodle-pose, while being abused with a soiled copy of the US constitution. But there’s no evidence that’s Mr. Blair. The only people getting shafted are the Iraqis’.





Last known Lib Dem dies in captivity



Lib Dem numbers had dwindled after being over-run by a plague of UKIP councillors, known as 'Kippers'. These Kippers would burrow into any constituency, nesting in torn up strips of the Daily Mail and happily surviving on a diet of their leader's own excrement.


Unfortunately, in its weakened state, the toothless creature was unable to fend off an assault by a small, tenacious rodent - known as the 'Yellow-bellied Clegg'. The last sandal-wearing libertarians died peacefully in its Zoo, before being promoted to the House of Lords.





Great turning points in history and how things might have gone the other way



Washington DC, 1865: 'Where's that slave-freeing bastard Lincoln? Oh, interesting play... hang on, I know that actor, what was he in again?'


1914: 'Downtown Sarajevo's been pedestrianised, better tell our chauffeur to turn back.'


1066: 'No, William, wait. The Channel Tunnel will be finished by 1068 - honest!'


Rome, 44 BC: 'Oh no - health and safety regulations say knives can't be removed from the Forum canteen. Caesar assassination's off.'


The great nail shortage of 33 AD: 'OK, Jesus, community service it is.'


1215, Runnymede: 'How about we scratch all this crap about ditches and extend the rights to women and poor people?'


20 April, 1889: 'Congratulations Mrs Hitler; it's a girl.'


22nd June 2016, Westminster: 'Stuff this Brexit nonsense. Let's get smashed and join the Euro.'


25th April 1974, Lisbon: The Carnation Revolution - 'No, not the evaporated milk, I meant put the flower in the barrels of the rifles.'


17th November 1989, Prague: The Velvet Revolution - IKEA encourage the people of Czechoslovakia to 'chuck out your chintz.'


4th July 1996, USA: Independence Day - The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air making his big movie break (unclear if this will still be celebrated).


The Pope, 1527: 'Fair enough Henry, you've been a good mate in the past, say three Hail Marys and I'll grant you a divorce.'


Christopher Columbus, 1492, somewhere in the Atlantic: 'We've been sailing for days, we've found nothing and I'm feeling sick as a parrot - let's turn round and go home.'


'Are you sure you want to go to Damascus, Saul?'



Hat tips to additional contributors: Lockjaw, sockpuppet, SteveB, sirlupus

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