Overturning their post-WW2 pacifist constitution, Japan has developed a taste for the arms trade, rather than exotic marine flesh. A spokesperson said: ‘Like the ironically titled UN Security Council, the plan is to militarize impoverished countries and then use their weapons stockpile as an excuse to attack them. That’s why we’ll be selling minke whales our new amphibious tank’.
Complained one Minister: ‘It’s almost as if every time we mention sex people start thinking about sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex! Short sex, hairy sex, marsupial sex -the public have a one-track mind. Well let me tell you, this time we are going get down and dirty – we are going to give it to them long and hard – we are…hmmm…did that sound sexual to you?’. Likewise, there has been a rise in applications to law school, on the off chance that Porn Laws involve men in wigs and a well-lubricated gavel.
Further attempts to filter porn just had people rummaging around for the Kleenex, licking their monitors and howling like Russell Brand during a full moon. Employers discovered that worker efficiency increased if you re-title business emails ‘penis enlargement’ or ‘The Chuckle Brothers visit the petting zoo’. As one prominent pornographer explained: ‘If you really want British youth to disengage with online filth, you need to rebrand it. Call it democracy, call it tidying your room or make it look like exercise’.
Following on from their success in ‘Congo’s Got Impaired Liver Function’, Ebola promises to be as virulent as ‘One Direction’ and cause more internal bleeding than Paul Potts’ last album. One TV Executive explained: ‘The pool of talent in the UK is ever-shrinking, whereas petri dishes in Guinea are overflowing with possibility’.
An official from Medecins Sans Frontieres warned: ‘Fruit bats, such as David Walliams, are natural hosts for the virus. At the sudden onset of vomiting and diarrhoea do not change channels, as this is a normal reaction to Simon Cowell’.
