The Dark Ages asks Catholic Church ‘Can we have our hypocrisy back?’

Recent apologies for abuse seem sadly familiar. ‘Who would have thought the Catholic Church would condone such a thing?’ said one shocked parishioner, as he googled ‘catholic church child abuse’. ‘If I just click through a few…there’s one…just one…maybe two…twelve…fifty…HOLY SHIT! 333,000 results!!! Run – run for your lives – the Priests are coming to get us!’ It is unclear which member of the clergy made the original confession, but the 1970′s BBC light entertainment division do hold the film rights.

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UEFA hope to knobble Russia by taking GazProm sponsorship

An UEFA spokesman confirmed today that the organisation intended continuing its commercial association with Gazprom. 'Think about it - we're bleeding the Russian company dry with every football match we host worldwide - it's the most cunning thing we could think of. We did consider - very briefly - taking a moral stand, but given our reputation nobody would have believed it anyway,' he added.

In related news, NewsBiscuit has also confirmed it will attempt to bleed Russian sponsors dry, strangling the finances of the Russian commercial sector. 'Anyone who has invested a bean in NewsBiscuit will understand what a financial drain that is,' said a spokesperson. 'We're going to bleed Putin dry one satirical article at a time,' he said. A Kremlin spokesperson confirmed that President Putin was 'Quivering in his boots and insisted that NewsBiscuit withdraw from satire immediately' and threatened to surround the NewsBiscuit HQ with thousands of funny Russians 'if we can find any.'

Image: Pixabay/jarmoluk

Putin misses open-mike spot at the Moscow Chuckle Club

Vladimir Putin has failed to show up for his usual Friday night open-mike spot at the Moscow Chuckle Club, for the first time in 12 years.

The club's regular audience declared themselves 'very relieved' that the distractions of war prevented Putin from putting in his usual tight five minutes on stage.

"He always does the same routine," said one club member, "a story about a donkey from Omsk who gets shot at a checkpoint. It wasn't funny 12 years ago and it still isn't"

Putin sent Dimitri Medvedev to cover for him. Medvedev did a rousing version of "You Aren't My Sunshine" and a short military dance.

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu