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Harder to vaccinate Russians against COVID than Ukrainians against NATO, says Putin



“Your Pfizer vaccine has a mind-control chip added to it? That's nothing! Ours has a f**king radio-transmitting satellite. Imagine the bleeding hole that would make in your shoulder!” said concerned Russian social-media user Olga. “No wonder our glorious leader wouldn’t show himself on TV getting his Sputnik.”


Her vaccine scepticism is more widespread in Russia than it is in western democracies. Recent news suggests that despite lower official figures, a million Russians have died of covid rather than trust a needle containing a symbol of national pride from a kleptocratic government.


Vladimir Putin commented: “Yes it’s a pity a majority of Russians chose to be unvaccinated, but they didn’t choose me either, so what do I care. Anyway, there are easier ways to bolster our population statistics than creating a trustworthy government. Did you know there are 41 million people living in the parts of the Ukraine we haven’t invaded yet?”


NHS runs out of hospitals for Boris to visit



The NHS has announced that there are no more hospitals available for Boris Johnson to visit.


"We understand this is a difficult time for the prime-minister, so it makes sense for him to be photographed in non-controversial settings.", said an NHS spokesman, "But with last week's visit to Milton Keynes hospital, he's now been to all of them and unless he starts again, he's a bit stuck."


It's understood that Downing Street is putting pressure on the Health Secretary, Sajid Javid, to build new hospitals.


"Unfortunately, building real hospitals takes time, originally the government planned on building fantasy hospitals - which is much quicker and easier and, may I say, cheaper.", explained Mr Javid, "However, as they only exist in the mind of the Prime-Minister, it rather difficult for him to visit them. Of course, with hindsight, it seems obvious we'd need some kind of distraction around now."


Plans have been announced for alternative visits, but a Downing Street spokesman admitted the options were a bit limited:


"Obviously, party supply shops and pubs are right out. We did have a visit to a brewery on the schedule, but unfortunately, the prime-minister wrote down the wrong date, time and location. Visits to military locations are usually fairly safe, but with the current mood in the country, keeping Mr Johnson away from people with guns seems wisest."


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