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Said the Divine Being: 'Initially it started as a dull buzzing noise, a droning on about the Second Amendment. The Second Amendment? I mean, what’s that? I just thought it was tinnitus. But after a while a shrill, homophobic whine caught my attention…apparently that was Michele Bachmann.'
‘They could have asked for World Peace or a Cure for Hunger, but most of the prayers seem to be for a fire retardant The Star-Spangled Banner. Since then, I’ve made a concerted effort to listen and I have to say I’m completely on board for this Rapture thingy…what a great idea!'
IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/
Updated: Feb 10, 2022
Boris Johnson has admitted attending the Catalina Wine Mixer during the first lockdown but insists no rules were broken because it was a “work event”.
“He was there strictly in an official capacity. Everybody knows that the 2020 mixer was the biggest helicopter-leasing event in the Western Hemisphere since 1997” , a source close to the PM indicated today.
Johnson is said to have pointed to the fact that the government had leased or bought at least 80 helicopters at the event and signed multiple deals with international conglomerate Prestige Worldwide to provide security, technology and karaoke services.
However, the PM failed to deny allegations that he had a physical altercation with the lead singer of Uptown Girl - California’s pre-eminent 1980’s Billy Joel cover band - after he refused to sing God Save the Queen.
He also declined to comment on claims that he led a group of Eton alumni in chants of “Chris Whitty has a mangina!” after the chief medical officer sent a text asking why he’d missed another COBRA meeting.
In an unusual step, the leaders of the main opposition parties - Sir Keir Starmer, Sir Ed Davey and Nicola Sturgeon - issued a joint statement in response to Johnson’s latest alleged breach of the rules: “It’s the f*@ing Catalina Wine Mixer!”
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